How to Be More Magnetic

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How to Be More Magnetic

Over the weekend, I made what has become an annual pilgrimage to Omaha, Nebraska to attend the Berkshire Hathaway Annual Meeting.

The event, which is nominally a business update on Warren Buffett’s famed holding company, has become a staple in my annual calendar, mostly due to the incredible density of deep thinkers who drop into the midwestern city for a short window of time.

Every year, I seem to find myself in a few rooms that set off my imposter syndrome alarm bells.

But one thing I’ve learned:

Good things happen when you put yourself in rooms where you don’t feel like you belong.

The real secret isn’t getting into the rooms, though. It’s what you do once you’re in them.

For many years, I struggled to thrive in those situations. I’d feel my pulse quicken with a mix of fear and social anxiety, shy away from conversations, or try to insert myself too forcefully into others.

To solve my own struggle, I became a student, paying close attention to the people who seemed to move with ease, talk to anyone, and make everyone feel seen.

Interestingly, they weren’t the smartest, wealthiest, or most credentialed in the room. They had something else.

Energy.

In my annual birthday reflection, I wrote about energy:

Energy is the most attractive human trait. Not looks, wealth, or status. Energy. Walk into rooms with genuine enthusiasm, curiosity, and interest. You’ll become a magnet for the highest quality people. Energy is contagious. Spread the kind you’d want to catch.

The idea, which has since gone viral on every major social platform, is an important one, but it’s also prompted a very good question from many readers:

How do you build that trait? How do you become magnetic?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

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Default to praise of people who aren’t there.

The way you talk about someone who isn’t in the room is one of the loudest signals about the energy you carry.

An observation about the most impressive, magnetic people I’ve been around:

They never speak badly about people who aren’t there. They never use underhanded or discrediting comments.

They glow about them, or they say nothing.

If everyone is speaking negatively about someone, it’s perfectly reasonable to opt out and say nothing. It shifts the entire power balance of the conversation in your favor. It shows a level of stoic awareness and calm that stands out.

We all silently catalogue how others speak about people who aren’t in the room, because we know that we may be the topic of that conversation as soon as we leave.

Those who default to praise command the room and silently set a standard of safety that everyone else can feed off of.

Be the most interested person in the room.

Everyone tries to be the most interesting person in the room. The most compelling stories. The funniest lines. The most impressive credentials. The most names dropped.

Don’t be everyone.

It backfires. It feels painfully forced. It reads as insecure.

Instead, focus on being interested, not interesting.

Turn outward, not inward. Take a genuine interest in others. Not as a means to an end, but because you actually want to learn about who they are as a person, beneath the surface.

When you open up to people, they can feel it. They reciprocate and open up to you.

So, how do you actually do this?

Be visibly happy to see people. Smile at people. Say “great to see you” as a default introduction (it also avoids making a “nice to meet you” mistake where you’ve already met the person but forgot!).

Ask high-quality questions. What are you most excited about right now? What’s creating the most energy in your life at the moment? What’s lighting you up outside of work? All of these questions invite the other person to talk about something they’re excited about.

Focus on doorknobs, not stoplights. Stoplight questions invite a simple response that cuts off momentum. Doorknobs invite the person to walk through and tell a story. Where did you get married? is a stoplight. How did you choose your wedding location? is the same question, but framed as a doorknob. It creates conversational momentum that you can feed off of.

Ask follow-up questions. Be glowing about what other people are doing. Not fake or disingenuous, but genuinely excited about what they’re excited about. Lighting up for others makes them light up for you.

Being interested is how you become interesting.

Actually listen when people speak.

While this sounds obvious, it’s the rarest thing.

Think about how many times you’ve had these two experiences:

• You’re in a conversation with someone and you can see them glancing around the room. Their eyes are darting around, unfocused, searching for something better to do or someone else to talk to. You start losing confidence in yourself because they clearly aren’t interested in you.

• You’re in a conversation with someone, they’re speaking, and you’re just thinking about your next response. You’re not hearing them, you’re just waiting for them to finish so you can say your next line.

In both of these situations, the listener is exhibiting anti-magnetic behavior.

Inverting them, you unlock the recipe for real listening.

Don’t be a conversational narcissist. When someone else is talking give them the full spotlight of the moment. Really listen to what they’re saying. Hear it. Understand it. Contextualize it.

Never look around the room while the other person is speaking. Look at them. Make them feel like the only person in the room.

In a world full of half-listeners, full attention is the rarest gift you can give.

Don’t complain, ever.

Nobody likes a complainer.

They drain the energy of everyone around them. It’s exhausting spending time around someone who constantly complains about things outside their control.

As a rule:

If it’s within your control, go do something about it. If it’s not, you’re just wasting energy thinking about it.

Complaining gives too much power to the thing. Take back that power.

Give honest, full-hearted compliments.

Easily overlooked and massively underrated.

If you think something nice about someone, tell them. No matter how small or inconsequential.

If I like someone’s jacket, boots, or shirt, I tell them. If I thought they articulated something well, I tell them. If I appreciate something about them, I tell them.

It can feel a bit embarrassing, but that’s ok. Be unapologetic in your appreciation for the people around you.

Almost no one will take offense to a true, well-intentioned compliment grounded in reality.

This should generally stop short of feeling like flattery. Flattery is a fake compliment wielded for an angle. The full-hearted version is grounded in truth and honesty.

And when it comes to deeper admiration: Be specific, not general.

It’s not particularly impactful to tell a CEO that you admire their work as a CEO. They hear that all day. It’s generic.

Mention your appreciation for a niche philanthropic cause they care about. A small personal detail about them. Show care for them as a human, separate from the identity the world knows.

People remember being seen for who they are far longer than being praised for what they do.

Take yourself seriously.

This is a subtle but important lesson from my grandmother:

You can’t expect other people to be drawn to you if you aren’t drawn to yourself.

Do the little things to show up as the best version of yourself. Move your body daily. Eat real foods. Get good sleep. Buy a few outfits that fit. Maintain good hygiene rituals.

None of that needs to be expensive, but not doing it will be.

Stop showing up like it was an accident.

Move slowly and deliberately. Head tall. Use open body language. Never cross your arms in front of you. No more scrambling around with your face down in your phone.

The way the world treats you is a simple reflection of the way you treat yourself. Always carry yourself like your life matters. Because it does.

If you do that, the world will start bending to your reality.

Make people feel remembered.

Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends & Influence People made saying people’s names back to them a common strategy.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not a big fan of it.

In my experience, when people do this, it comes across as salesy or over-engineered.

My trick is to repeat a name in my head after someone says it. If I have a notebook, I’ll occasionally jot down a quick note to cement it. I also do my best to log a specific detail next to the name (perhaps something about their interests).

The magic isn’t in the initial moment, but in the next time you see them.

Never brag.

Insecurity is the opposite of magnetism.

There are few things more off-putting than constant bragging in a conversation. It’s transparent and a clear sign of internal discomfort.

It only attracts the wrong kind of people into your circle. Yes-men and women who tell you what you want to hear and quietly chip away at your full potential.

If your credibility markers are a natural byproduct of a story or conversation, that’s great, but you don’t need to recite your resume.

It stands out when someone doesn’t brag, simply because of how rare it feels.

Don’t try to prove yourself. The trying is the tell.

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That list is the one I wish I had when I was struggling to find my way through these rooms.

It’s a field guide for anyone to be the most magnetic version of themselves.

And most importantly, none of the items on the list require you to be wildly extroverted, impressive, successful, or attractive.

Anyone can take this list and improve the way they show up in the world.

I hope you found it valuable.

Now, go spread the kind of energy you’d want to catch.